Dear god!!

Men are such confusing creatures. So are women at that! I mean what is this! SERIOUSLY!!!! I went out to a party tonight with Alexius And those old feeling are there. Again!!!! WHY!!!! I have such a good god damn thing going on now so why does something have to intervene with that! Why cant i just be happy for any length of time? Why does this always happen to me. Now im not going to go on a pity party. I just wanna know who the fuck is thhat finds it funny to keep throwing this bullshit in my path!

ARGHH!!!!!!!

Quotes

-Know this and know this for all time, you will never be able to take the sorrow out of the eyes of men-

-Don't make him your everything when you know he may end up meaning nothing-

-Never ask a man to do something that he isn't already good at-

-If the only only time he looks at me with love in his eyes is when he is playing his guitar, than who am I to get in his way?-

-What is this feeling that i get in the base of my spine that says i cant live without him-

-Sometimes i wish i had the balls to just run off a cliff, feel the rush of flight, and then glory in the fact of an oblivion's existence-

-I will not let this storm tear me down. When the sun comes up and the clouds part I will be known as a warrior for Danu-

-The bitter cold creeps through my fingers, into my bones and thaws my soul-

-Adrenaline had made my legs numb and running did nothing but my me feel as if I were standing still-

-It stills hurts to see him with another woman, even tho I'm the one that let him go...-

-With each passing day his affection grows stronger, his caress lingers longer, and his words become more undying-

-Its funny the fact that we can still like each other past our facial calamities-

Well that is all of my personal quotes that i want to post for now. Hopefully they are done with taking the damn test.

College

Well this day has started out interesting enough. I felt as if i got no sleep at all and then i was woken up at nine to come all the way out to Irving just to sit around and wait for Cowboy and Severance to take a damn test. So exciting, let me tell you. You and my book are my only relief right now for the boredom that is threatening to overtake my existence.

The book i am reading right now is amazing. It's called Retribution. Its the second in a series called Madonna of the Dark. Amazing! But i cant help but want to be the character Victoria. She is the Madonna of the dark. I want men to look at me and know they are safe, and have no qualms with loving me. I think the book needs to explain itself, " Once you have been touched by her, no other woman---or man---will ever satisfy your need. Every man must learn to worship her in his own way."

If only it were that simple. I wash men would just understand that I will have no master and only one Mistress. But still love me as hard as they possibly can. But i cant have the best of both worlds now can I.

But a girl can always hope.

Too bad Hope is such an abstract idea in my mind. I havent had hope or sleep in months. There is just so much more of me i want to give to people, its just when they don't appreciate it or slock it off to the side is when i feel used and useless. I know that sounds contradictory but it makes sense in my mind.

Severance is opening up more to me. I am truly surprised at where this relationship is going. It going very slow with no former pretense of emotion. its amazing. He gives me a feeling of protecting and that is all i nee right now. Some one to protect me while I'm trying to fix other things in my life. Its funny because I have never felt this much trust in a human being. Ever. And I don't know why but i have willingly let myself get caught in his gravitational pull. No other man in my mind can ever get me to trust them as much as I trust my Severance. It just seems every time i lay in his arms I slip effortlessly into a much needed oblivion. Like with him I have no worries, cause i know he will take care of me and fight for me. Other men have made similar promises but I did not trust them. Not even a little, not even at all. I think i know why i feel so different around him. Its because he is actually a man. And he needs me right now just as much as i need him. He needs me for different reasons than i need him for myself. I think he needs me for support, knowing that its OK to be serious and handle issues head on. He knows i wont condemn him for his failures and that at the end of the day, even though he is battered and bruised I will still cradle him in my arms and help him drift away to the melodic lullaby of my heart. At least that's what i hope for. I'm about 95% confident on that fact. But I still have the ability to be wrong when it comes to reading people.

Well I'm going to end this post here and start another one about a different topic. I don't think that they should be put together for one is caring and warm and the other is sad and irate.

The first of hopefully many... hopefully

Well. There is not much to put here now but hopefully there will be a time and a place where i can actually keep up with this. I'm thinking about putting up some of my stories or quotes i make throughout the day (I keep a tiny journal in my back pocket and write down any thoughts i think are profound)

I think the first thing i should address here is the men in my life

Hayat: I love him, he's great, not for me. We will be there for one another through thick and thin, but alas, his sexual appetite is not anywhere near mine. So it no work-o.

(God I'm hungry)

Severance: I will tell you what, he is a different breed than i am used to. nothing serious, just being young and dating each other. Rather refreshing. And if the only time he looks at me with some sort of caring and love in his eyes is when he is playing guitar, then who am i to stop him?

Alexius: God i really feel bad about him. He is so young and so impressionable. I swear in a different era he would have been my king, my love, my mate. But here he is just another high school student trying mot to stick out too much but still being an individualist. I don't know about you but that doesn't sound like that makes sense to me. I use him alittle to get what i want. But it benefits him in the end. He will thank me one day. I hope.... But still, he is my love and i will do what ever it takes to keep him around until he is mature enough to take his rightful place by my side. I would never tell him this for he would becoming cockey and his head would grow to obscene sizes. That and he would feel he has ownership over me again.

I will call no man master

And last but not least

Big Red: He deserves so much more than i can give him. By far. And also, I'm not ready to live up to his expectations in life right now. Marriage, kids, building our own house. don't make me laugh. he doesn't even have a job! But he still deserves much better than the hell he is putting himself through just so he can get some nookie.

Well there they are. you have been updated. I will fill you in along the way. But for now, i depart into slummberland.