College

Well this day has started out interesting enough. I felt as if i got no sleep at all and then i was woken up at nine to come all the way out to Irving just to sit around and wait for Cowboy and Severance to take a damn test. So exciting, let me tell you. You and my book are my only relief right now for the boredom that is threatening to overtake my existence.

The book i am reading right now is amazing. It's called Retribution. Its the second in a series called Madonna of the Dark. Amazing! But i cant help but want to be the character Victoria. She is the Madonna of the dark. I want men to look at me and know they are safe, and have no qualms with loving me. I think the book needs to explain itself, " Once you have been touched by her, no other woman---or man---will ever satisfy your need. Every man must learn to worship her in his own way."

If only it were that simple. I wash men would just understand that I will have no master and only one Mistress. But still love me as hard as they possibly can. But i cant have the best of both worlds now can I.

But a girl can always hope.

Too bad Hope is such an abstract idea in my mind. I havent had hope or sleep in months. There is just so much more of me i want to give to people, its just when they don't appreciate it or slock it off to the side is when i feel used and useless. I know that sounds contradictory but it makes sense in my mind.

Severance is opening up more to me. I am truly surprised at where this relationship is going. It going very slow with no former pretense of emotion. its amazing. He gives me a feeling of protecting and that is all i nee right now. Some one to protect me while I'm trying to fix other things in my life. Its funny because I have never felt this much trust in a human being. Ever. And I don't know why but i have willingly let myself get caught in his gravitational pull. No other man in my mind can ever get me to trust them as much as I trust my Severance. It just seems every time i lay in his arms I slip effortlessly into a much needed oblivion. Like with him I have no worries, cause i know he will take care of me and fight for me. Other men have made similar promises but I did not trust them. Not even a little, not even at all. I think i know why i feel so different around him. Its because he is actually a man. And he needs me right now just as much as i need him. He needs me for different reasons than i need him for myself. I think he needs me for support, knowing that its OK to be serious and handle issues head on. He knows i wont condemn him for his failures and that at the end of the day, even though he is battered and bruised I will still cradle him in my arms and help him drift away to the melodic lullaby of my heart. At least that's what i hope for. I'm about 95% confident on that fact. But I still have the ability to be wrong when it comes to reading people.

Well I'm going to end this post here and start another one about a different topic. I don't think that they should be put together for one is caring and warm and the other is sad and irate.