Go fly a Kite

Alright Here we go. I'm sick, miss Kat, Maintenance, and un-needed bullshit is being kept going cause that person needs to put someone else down so he feels better about himself. I have my faults yes, I'm willing to admit them. I have accepted and embraced them. Also their consequence's. I have done that and it has taken me a hell of a long time to do that.
Now i admit also that I could have done things differently in the past. But hind sight is twenty twenty and one person can only do so much to make the world happy. Now I am being shut out and put on trial for something that doesn't even need to be gone to court for.
People can be so bitter about something that subconsciously their new life goal is to make others miserable. And to put themselves so high on a pedestal that they cant even find their own ass. Which is coincidentally where there head is. So it basically comes down to a huge ball of prick floating around in the middle of the sky looking for a non-existent pedestal. I know, kinda graphic.
Moving on...
And I digress...
Basically what everything comes down to is I made a decision that made someone else unhappy and now they are trying to get their revenge. But here is the kicker! I was going to eventually make that decision anyways. So this was bound to happen. I could never escape it. So why am i trying to fight it? Let him be mad. Let me be hated. I will take the fall of being the bad person this time and most likely the next, Cause i know in my heart that i am not this bad person that everyone says i am. I have found light and happiness in my life by making this decision. A smile has come to my soul that I never thought would shine again. If I have to be the evil witch of the west to be happy, i will, gladly. And no amount of guilt trip will change my mind and my decision.

Thank you Goddess

You have given me my happiness back. and through a wonderful man. i knew if i prayed enough he would come. I cant begin to describe my last few days. HAYAT SAYS I HAVE BEEN GLOWING. :) *blush* OK... Let me give you an idea about this guy. Just by talking to him on Friday before fair I had changed the course of my life. To better suit him. And so not to disgrace him. I am not moving into Ron's Apartment. I'm going to classes more, I'm not letting other men touch me at all. And for those who know me, that's a big thing. huge. I was afraid that it would be considered cheating if i got a hug from a guy. That's how much I care for him. He is the antidote for my sickness. And I have been sick for a long time.

*Blushes again* oh ii cant stop thinking about him. I wore his shirt last night to the party and it smells like him. :) I cant get his face out of my head. Whenever i start talking about him to people i start crying cause I'm so happy. An I'm happy that I'm happy so its an amazing cycle that just make me happier. :)I don't want anyone but him. For the first time in a long time i got that territorial feeling again. I'm also happy about that. But its the fact that i can feel something. anything at all. I dont want any other woman touching him. Ever. Except me. :) God i sound psycho.
I dont think i have ever been so happy. He has brought me back from the dead. he really has. And on top of that he has brought back a better me than when i was once alive. I am a phoenix. :):):)

Dear Goddess

What do it do. I'm so numb, so dead, so... sad that i don't know what to do. I don't deserve hope and i don't want pity. I feel like a ghost in a shell. I have given up things all my life to make other people happy and i for once have found the strength to make myself happy above all others. and I don't want to give away that independence. But It is very lonely when everything has to be shut down so one doesn't slip. And I don't think i can come back from it. Its seeped into my bones, this loneliness. how do i come back from that. Goddess please give me the strength to be vulnerable again cause i don't like this thing i have become. I want to feel, i want regret, i want loss. I want to feel. I want to be human again. A woman that deserves to be loved and cared for. And can care back with all her heart. always and forever. I want to be that woman. I want to care again. I want to love. please. Why am i condemned again? What have i done. Please goddess let me feel. I'm very lonely and cold now, but i cant seem to shake my walls. so i ask you for strength. please. I need to know you will be there to hold me hand as i walk this path. and keep me going when i become whery. please. I beg of you. dont let me fall...