Well...

Long time no post. Ive been busy and bored and addicted and pregnant at the same time. Everything is exhausting now. I have resorted to reading alot. Right now im in the middle of Dracula. Before that was Wicked. and next will be Count of Monte Cristo. Welcome to my book worm ness. Im learning alot with the reading and I love knowledge. So it really works out in my favor. I just wish I could get my mother off the god damn TV for an hour so she can start reading again. I swear to god that thing is rotting her brain. Its not healthy. Also she is chugging down the coca cola like its water. and she wonders why she is sick. But god forbid that I suggest that her drinking Coke might be the problem. *Rolls eyes*

Ricky and I are doing well. Just moved to a new house. I love it. Still need to work on the keeping my room clean tho. lol. (its mainly laundry) His family infuriates me. Get this; I've never met Rickys mother (His choice) I have no problem with this. And now I hear that she is spreading rumors about me to his other family members. now remember: I'VE NEVER MET THE WOMAN! she says that Im keeping her son away and that im making him turn his back on his family.

Reality check lady:
1. He isnt turning his back on his family. He actually talks to the on a regular basis. He just doesnt want anything to do with you
2. If he wanted anything to do with you then I realize that it is not my place to tell him who he can and cannot talk to. He is a big boy that can make educated decisions by himself.
3. You need to get a FUCKING JOB to occupy your time because you having free time to think up these ridiculous things is impeding on the happiness of other peoples lives.
4. You are a lonely, hurtful woman who has nothing better to do than try and bring people down so you feel better about your own shitty existence.
5. I have sat by and watched you hurt and torment Ricky ever since I have been with him and per his request I sat back and let things run their course. But Im not sitting back any longer. Im not afraid of you and methed out grin. Im a proud born Yank and no one brings me down without a fight. You will meet your match with me and then you will rue the day that you couldnt let shit go.

Here is your chance; find that adult gene in your body and apply it to your everyday life -or- deal with me.

(Note to you: I dont give second chances)

I digress...
That woman makes me so mad cause she is just trying to control ricky through guilt. And thats not what a mothers goal should be to educate their sons and daughters.

about to crash. Its almost midnight and my body is starting to shut down. It was nice writing again. I should try and remember to do it more often

Who will remember?

When everything ends
And it all fades away
Who will remember you
And your accusations
Who will care
That you won the fight
Everything ends
And at that end
I find myself
Stepping into the warmth
And take into me
The scent of winter
Im alone now
But free
This is the end.
Who will remember?

This is a good God damned letter that i will never send

Dear Erica, All this mess is becoming ridiculous and irrational. I see what it does to Ricky on a weekly basis and it pains me to realize that this altercation can be avoided.

My Proposition to you: You and I meet for lunch in the next week and figure everything out. I know you have question that i can answer and Vice Versa. Im tired of sitting on the sidelines and seeing people getting unnecessarily hurt.

Granted, I have been a bit tiffy to you recently and I apologize for that. I should have been more mature about things. So let us get together and figure out how we can help one another in this.

Lauren

P.S. I know you will probably take offense to me even trying to contact you, but just consider it. For Ricky's sake.

Decision Decisions...

Learning to let go is a hard lesson to learn. Telling someone that they need to let go is an even a harder lesson to learn. Time to resort to Andais... :)

Female Angst

Well I do believe that some female angst is in order. I have been doing fine for a while. But Male bullshit gets to you after a while. So I have a couple of things to say on the subject. More specifically pointing out certain people.

Andre: "It’s as if they believe their own lies; that this time it will be true love. But it never lasts because no woman is perfect enough for him. Of course, it isn’t the women that aren’t perfect enough; it’s the man. He tries to fill some void in himself with women or sex. If the love is true enough, the sex good enough, then this time he’ll feel complete; this time he’ll finally be whole. Serial womanizers are like serial killers in one respect: they both believe that next time will be perfect; that the next experience will complete them, and stop this unending need. But it never does."
I couldn't have said it better myself. So many times i have gotten into arguments with him on this subject but he still refuses to admit to himself that we all know. That we all know that he is lying and actually laughing behind his back. He just looks like a moron. And he looks even more like a quack when you see him believing these ridiculous stories. Like he has told them so many times that no other way is possible. All I would want fomr him is to atleast admit to himself is that he is a normal human being, just like the rest of us. He is not a warrior, he does not have demon inside him, and he is not the most terrifying mother fucker out there. Is that too much to ask?

Chris:"And after a while he calms down
And he looks at me like a prince
But I know I better bite the bullet
'Cause it's just another one of his
Jedi mind tricks"
So, You like coming back into my life when i have something going that's amazing. And you expect me to run back to you with open arms. Get over it. You had your chance, lost it, threw it in my face, and now you trying to get me back by using the same old lines as before. Honey, I grew up a long time ago and i think that you should quickly follow suit. Cause this make believe shit isn't working for me anymore. Chill out. Your not a wolf. Your not a Vampire. There is nothing between us other than an uncomfortable silence that i'm willing to cut with a knife with the aim of your heart in mind.
We once had it all in a certain time. But that time is long gone. Do us both a favor and realize that.

Thats all of the female angst i have right now. Not bad for it being pinned up for a couple months. I will post more later.

High

Spinning
Trees
Laughing
Snow
feild
house
lost
ocean
white
kight
death
brisge
rmpty
love
alonr
falling
rockets
money
brick
pink
lie
left
behind
screaming
hate
blue
angel
tone
sew
Grin
Game
Re try
jump
run
jump
wall
tower
castle
love
love
love...





my life
in a
selecate
fashion
is stone
forbidden to live
forbidden to
die
never can
I breath this
soul
into exsistance
never again
will i let
you feel
breath
Fight
Love




Ripping me to sheds isnt going to make yourself feel better. You on my mind and you wont go away and i hate you for it. Let me to forget you, make me forget all of you, i scream. You took me away my love, my time, and expect me to survive in the horrible futer? And then punish me for your oversight. Im more than this. Im more than just and oblect to be used as a pawn. I hate this! and as i fall to the ground, I crumble again into to their palms.

Rambling

In bed I
lay
where i wait
someday
for the
dream
to end
and my
reality to
begin
perfect dream
fuzzy dream
marshmallow
bed
sink away
never to be seen
again
in the light
of day
Im safe
here
no lies
no disappointments
just
myself
and
no one
can take that
away

Help

I hate
And i mourn
And i revel
In you
You tear me
to pieces
but you make me
So high
What you do to me
Terrifies
me
and i hate it
But you keep
finding
the
back door
to my soul
and snake
your way
into my
skin
i realize too
late
that your
there
and in that moment
Im
caught
spent
taken away
lost
And i hate you
for it
You make me
strong
but in the way
that i become
so used
to defending myself
when you are around
The doors are
sealed
and locks
have lost their key
but still you insist
on taking
all of
me
And I hate me for it
But i love you cause you break me
What a tangled
web
we weave
Never leave
Never stay
but always be mine
for you are
me
and i am
you
part of each other
we will always
reside
but in my heart a
loathing
so fierce
will consume
my love
and you will be
nevermore....

Possesion

Definition:a territorial dominion of a state,domination, actuation, or obsession by a feeling, idea, etc, Having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially in order to limit that person's relationships with others.

Sometime it can be a good thing. Most time it gets out of control. It is getting out of control on my part. I'm so paranoid that he will look at all me amazing friends and realize that they are better than what he has. Like i was just a pit stop written on the maps the fates provided the gods after creation. Fear of being the girl he had to find to find his actual true love. He loves me because i am so differant from everyone else. But my close girlfriends are exactly like me. And that scares me.

I keep being told from every which angle that there is nothing to worry about, but I've always been a naturally paranoid person.I just know I'm not good enough. I think that is the main issue i need to tackle. But how do i do that without becoming arrogant and cocky. Its when shit like that happens that something actually does go wrong and the person is so enamored with themselves that they don't notice. I'm walking a very dangerous edge.

I find myself stepping very out of character with him. Letting him tell me what to do. Not anything big. But like, He has got me in the habit of him lighting my cigarette's, and he becomes frustrated when i light my own. Whether that be out of defiance or just forgetfulness. I cant help it. Its in my nature to be self sufficient. And another thing is I let him dote on me. Like bathing me and stuff like that. i would never had let any of my other men do that to me. i am also starting to admit to him when I'm not feeling well, or feeling weak. THAT'S NOT ME!!! when do i ever how weakness. Even when I'm alone with a person?

Its a blessing. He is a blessing. I'm just so out of my element that i cant figure out what the outcome is going to be. And most of me doesn't care and knows the best has yet to come. But my 'old' Lauren side is still a little apprehensive. But i do believe that is just self preservation kicking in.

You know? its funny. There is a perfect qoute that i could end this with. "From my experience, honey, if he seems too good to be true—he probably is" The funny part is that it is from Sex and the City. Ironic right?

Well this concludes my brain fart. I will report back later. :)

Thoughts

Dear life
its all
gone wrong...

Life is a series of lessons
I just dont know what this one is trying to teach me

When the villagers saw the the young queen step up to the alter with their king, they knew that she wouldn't last long. His reputation was known as to be mean, hot tempered, and evil. But the young Queen saw more. Every day after their marriage, the servants in the castle would constantly be by her side when the king was around, for fear of him hurting her. They didn't want to take the risk of hurting such a bright warming light. The king saw this and became angry.
'She is MINE!!! And only mine! She is my queen and i will do with her what i please!' And with that statement said, he locked her up in his part of the castle. Every day he would bring her enough food to survive till the next day and would bring her what ever she asked for. The young queen never talked back, never questioned him, and always answered her door with a smile on her face. This confused the king because no one had ever smiled at him. But just like a chime on a clock, she would be ready to receive him everyday with a smile on her face. It wasnt that the Queen was naive of stupid. She was actually renowned throughout the kingdom for her intellegence and her insight. And what she saw inside the king could never be explained to a human that wouldnt give him a chance. She knew there was good inside this 'evil' king that no one else could see but her. She was kind and courtious. Always being the proper wife. But a day came when there was a gathering to see the king. It was a weekly routine. Farmers coming to report to the king about their harvest, traders trying to sell their goods to the king and his court before going to market. But this day was unlike any other day. Sitting on the throne, high above the villagers he looked over and saw his queen was sitting in the throne next to him and smiled. The villagers were startled. Never had they seen the King smile. Not even a grin. Soon it was the talk in all the town that the queen had not only survived, but had broken the king of his habits. This gave the villagers courage. The next time a meeting was held, they were going to bring up his past grievences he did to the town.
That plan of action obviously didnt go so well, About half way through the meeting a young farmers burst up from the crowd and accussed the King of being hot headed and not right to rule. The King quickly sprang from his thrown, heading for the young farmer. Rearing back his fist to beat the farmer into submission he heard a voice.
"My King" she said. The whole room turned and looked at the white queen. She had stood up from her thrown and walked to the edge of the platform. Her hands were daintly crossed infront of her and her eyes held a conviction that no one else could have over the King. One look, thats all it took. The King let the farmer go and proceeded back to the Queens side. Her smile had broken him. And her heart had set him free. Trouble was, where does he go from here.

Intake

When i breath
I take you in
You fill me up
and tear my masks
off
My heart beats
A steady rhythm
just to get closer
to you
in
out
in
out
in
under
beneath
consumed
my soul is yours now
keep it steady
rhythm gets too fast
rhythm gets too slow
When the rhythm
stops
its the day
i know you let me
go

A Short Message

Let this be known:
Hurt me
Scar me
Pull my hair
rip my heart
out
and leave me
there
I will be a
ghost
a Stain on your
soul
And as a woman
I give my
word
That i will still
stand
I will never back down
And every
time
You break me
I will come back
Come back stronger
better
and give you
the treatment you
gave me
The only difference is
A smile
will replace your
laugh
And the fates
will bless
my conquest


Let it be known...

The Gypsy King

There once was a Queen that lived a life that all little princess' dream of. Perfect castle, Perfect husband, perfect happiness. The king and Queen were inseparable their love was told as fables all throughout the land. Simply, they were made for one another. No one questioned it. No one bothered them on it. And all was right in the world. Until one day a lone group of gypsies came along and decided that the King was no longer worthy of the Queens love. The king of the Gypsies also had become enthralled by the Queen smile and thought of her as his own. Never had he ever see a woman so beautiful, he had to have her. So one night during the annual banquet the gypsies barged into the hall and demanded that the queen leave with them. the king immediately jumped up at her defense, thrusting his sword towards the Gypsy king. Putting up his hand, without flinching, he held the king in place. frozen, no movement. Only one could tell by the movement of his eyes that he was still alive. The beautiful Queen stands in her loves defense without thought of her own life and defies the Gypsy king.
"I will go with you nowhere." The smirk on the Gypsy kings face was unbreakable. "Oh yes you will my lovely lass. For if you don't, Your 'love' will be park of the castle in a million tiny pieces." the room was silent.
The Queen turned for the last time to her frozen husband with eyes of despair and whispered close in his ear So the Gypsy King could not hear
"You have my heart, you will find me. I love you, you are my everything" and with a last look into his helpless eyes she turned and left with the Gypsy King.
The King became mobile again as soon as the doors shut to the hall. With neck breaking speed he ran and threw the doors open to find nothing there. The Gypsy camp was gone and not even tracks were left behind from the horses so he could follow his love. But his heart still beat with hers and he vowed to find her and avenge this night.
"On my honor, when i find this qypsie king. Even if I have to go past the ends of the earth, I will avenge my love and my life. And every day that she is taken from my life they will suffer one hundred fold for the pain they have caused."
When the vow was done The earth shifted and the air became heavy. the fates were with the King and the Gypsy King's fate had been cut considerably short.

How did I not Notice

When you kicked in my door
and tore down my walls
I kneeled at your feet
in admiration
When you gave me
my purpose
I in took a
sigh of relief
but days go by
An feelings become
stronger
and I cant help
but remember
When I ran my own
and
no purpose
was
ever
disappointed...




Once upon a time there was a girl. and she was the prettiest girl in the land
Everyone wanted her and her beautiful looks. Some loathed and some loved her beauty. But She could not hide from herself the hate and sadness that came from being beautiful. Her soul slowly died, but her beauty never faded And when Princes would come to take her away from this life she hated, She looked down on them with an up turned nose. Until one night while she was sleeping, she was stolen away by a neighboring enemy. They had cut her hair and threw away her clothes and left her with nothing but her empty soul. The cage was dark and damp. no mirrors. No windows. And for the first time in her beautiful life, she finally took a sigh of relief...

A punch in the Gut...

I guess all i can say is thank you.
I have been humbled
My eyes have been opened
My soul was finally scorned by its reflection
Death and tar fall off my heart
It tries to weigh me down
But determination fills me
And i see a hand above me
Instincts over ride caution
I take the hand
And for once
I can
Breath....


"Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above. " -Gia-

Realization

As i lay here watching Sex and the City, I realize that I'm alone. Plain and simple. Totally alone. One of my favorite sayings lately has become "Is the juice worth the squeeze?" Well, i do believe that being alone is exactly what i have been needing. Im strong, stubborn, and deserving of a good man. A man that... i don't know. Is actually a man. But i have yet to figure out that species. Ive been subjecting myself so long to boy and their cheap little toys that I never realized how may other great opportunities there were out there. For once I have the urge to go out to a high profile event and put what my mother forced down my throat to use. Use my body, my intelligence and my smile to use to snag me a good man. some would say i was too young, and truthfully, if I were one of the older female spectators i would be vehementing once i saw myself walk through the door.
I have found this new form of dating, it feels as if i have crossed into a secret society of men and woman that I some how had over looked when i was writing my 'what i wanna do when i grow up' paper in kindergarten.
I am about to become the woman that my mother always wanted me to be. but on my own terms...

Indescribable

Well I do believe this will be the first blog i have written on here that really doesn't have a specific genre to be stamped on the head on it. Just mindless rambling.

well here i go...

lets start with a on-the-spot poem

I sit here
not in prayer
not in tears
but in an odd calm
indescribable really
my soul has a faint rhythm
my mind has a placid calm
and nothing
can interrupt the dance that
takes place in my subconscious
some would say I'm
numb
but in truth,
I'm Switzerland
no sides taken
no opinions on my current objectives
just existing
but the difference between the present
and past
is that I'm living.
there is a warmth inside me now
that cannot be touched
I'm moving forward
taking chances
and loving myself
to some...
that's not enough
but to me
that's all that i need
to finish my life
and i swear to all
my life will not be ending
anytime soon
I have yet to....
well, i don't know yet.
but i know there is more i have to do
so i wait
until the fates take me home
and i will be at peace...


I will end this post with a quote. one that had been running through my head the entire time i wrote.

"for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."

With all my heart
Eve

I've Had Time to Ponder

In these past few weeks I have tried new things, met new people, and exposed myself to new situations. And the whole time I have been wondering 'What is all this for'. The answer still escapes me. Even now I still ponder on it but I feel as if I have gotten some of my soul back while searching for the answer. Everything one does in life is for one main purpose, and that is to love life and the people around you with all your heart. While at the same time, hoping with all of your being that one day that other half of you will walk into the room and light up your life.
I had forgotton that. I had been empty and cold, numb, to laughter, kindness, and hope until I found this gracious clearing of my soul.
I sit here knowing my time has not yet come to find that light of my life. And that gives me hope. For now i know that he has not passed me by. He may already be in my life, yet without my knowledge. Or he maybe someone i meet in the far future. But until the time comes that I find the other half of my soul I will continue to learn. I will continues to love. And i will continue to be a hopeless romantic reading books and watching romantic movies while i cry into pillow. I will admit that sometimes my dreams run away with my heart. But how can one help it in such a numbingly pessimistic world. Sometimes my dreams are the only thing that keep me here.

And here i shall stay until I know I am worthy of the man that was made for me. Forever if necessary.
I will weep
yes
but I will weep for the fact that I am not ready
it is much more the incentive to wake up and be a better woman when i know that the sooner i grow, the sooner i will be complete in all aspects.
And that is the blessing that has been bestowed on me the past few weeks.
I don't know how to repay the heavens other than walking the path that they have laid in front of me. No stone can stop my travels. No storm can impede my voyage. No amount of doubt can stop my fate. Only my decisions can determine my destiny...

Go fly a Kite

Alright Here we go. I'm sick, miss Kat, Maintenance, and un-needed bullshit is being kept going cause that person needs to put someone else down so he feels better about himself. I have my faults yes, I'm willing to admit them. I have accepted and embraced them. Also their consequence's. I have done that and it has taken me a hell of a long time to do that.
Now i admit also that I could have done things differently in the past. But hind sight is twenty twenty and one person can only do so much to make the world happy. Now I am being shut out and put on trial for something that doesn't even need to be gone to court for.
People can be so bitter about something that subconsciously their new life goal is to make others miserable. And to put themselves so high on a pedestal that they cant even find their own ass. Which is coincidentally where there head is. So it basically comes down to a huge ball of prick floating around in the middle of the sky looking for a non-existent pedestal. I know, kinda graphic.
Moving on...
And I digress...
Basically what everything comes down to is I made a decision that made someone else unhappy and now they are trying to get their revenge. But here is the kicker! I was going to eventually make that decision anyways. So this was bound to happen. I could never escape it. So why am i trying to fight it? Let him be mad. Let me be hated. I will take the fall of being the bad person this time and most likely the next, Cause i know in my heart that i am not this bad person that everyone says i am. I have found light and happiness in my life by making this decision. A smile has come to my soul that I never thought would shine again. If I have to be the evil witch of the west to be happy, i will, gladly. And no amount of guilt trip will change my mind and my decision.

Thank you Goddess

You have given me my happiness back. and through a wonderful man. i knew if i prayed enough he would come. I cant begin to describe my last few days. HAYAT SAYS I HAVE BEEN GLOWING. :) *blush* OK... Let me give you an idea about this guy. Just by talking to him on Friday before fair I had changed the course of my life. To better suit him. And so not to disgrace him. I am not moving into Ron's Apartment. I'm going to classes more, I'm not letting other men touch me at all. And for those who know me, that's a big thing. huge. I was afraid that it would be considered cheating if i got a hug from a guy. That's how much I care for him. He is the antidote for my sickness. And I have been sick for a long time.

*Blushes again* oh ii cant stop thinking about him. I wore his shirt last night to the party and it smells like him. :) I cant get his face out of my head. Whenever i start talking about him to people i start crying cause I'm so happy. An I'm happy that I'm happy so its an amazing cycle that just make me happier. :)I don't want anyone but him. For the first time in a long time i got that territorial feeling again. I'm also happy about that. But its the fact that i can feel something. anything at all. I dont want any other woman touching him. Ever. Except me. :) God i sound psycho.
I dont think i have ever been so happy. He has brought me back from the dead. he really has. And on top of that he has brought back a better me than when i was once alive. I am a phoenix. :):):)

Dear Goddess

What do it do. I'm so numb, so dead, so... sad that i don't know what to do. I don't deserve hope and i don't want pity. I feel like a ghost in a shell. I have given up things all my life to make other people happy and i for once have found the strength to make myself happy above all others. and I don't want to give away that independence. But It is very lonely when everything has to be shut down so one doesn't slip. And I don't think i can come back from it. Its seeped into my bones, this loneliness. how do i come back from that. Goddess please give me the strength to be vulnerable again cause i don't like this thing i have become. I want to feel, i want regret, i want loss. I want to feel. I want to be human again. A woman that deserves to be loved and cared for. And can care back with all her heart. always and forever. I want to be that woman. I want to care again. I want to love. please. Why am i condemned again? What have i done. Please goddess let me feel. I'm very lonely and cold now, but i cant seem to shake my walls. so i ask you for strength. please. I need to know you will be there to hold me hand as i walk this path. and keep me going when i become whery. please. I beg of you. dont let me fall...

Epiphany

I have finally figured it out what i do to men!!!!!! This is actually an email i got from a guy who liked me. Just pay attention.


I hope you are well. I hope you are reading this in good health and that if there is a way I can be there for you I can do so.

Allow me before I move forward to explain something about my beliefs that I was going to try and explain on the phone. I believe the world, universe, gods and goddesses, everything is composed of music. The reason I got in to quantum physics was to prove this. Everything in existance is connected by waves. Ion waves. Music is one of the few things in the universe which moves in waves like that. Sound. Some sounds cause discordance but music seems to bring things together. Every culture even those seperated used music to express the divine. I thought I'd establish that before I moved forward, and I want you to know that as I write this I will sing every song of healing and peace I can think of hoping that if my religious ideals are right they will reach you in whatever form they need to. Now to my letter...

You worry that I cut myself off, or tha fear stays my hand and so I shall give you all the cards so to speak. I shall move forward and say everything and place it all out, if you prefer to use the term I am going to "lose the safety net". Since Sara I have been planning my own death. Don't leave just yet read on there is more and most of it isn't bad but before I can give you the cards to play you have to know what they are don't you? I promise the cards I lay out take a better turn but we start with the worst get it out of the way and hope you like the best better. So moving forward since returning to this place I have been... attempting to lower my health or my will to live enough that I died. The night I met you first... was meant to be my last great night at the church. My farewell. What I thought was the final note in that part of the song. They stage was set, but aparantly whoever guides the song had a different song in mind. In life it seems that sometimes the smallest things for me can change a whole path a whole course. My best friend love him though I may and though he is part of the song ofmy life,,, he knew I was dying. He was there last time, and love it wasn't that I wanted it... you say that you are an old soul... I feel as though I have been singing forever. Think back to when you saw me natural and who I was... everything I did was dance. But I get ahead of myself. Always with this though keep a song of the soul in mind. Not any specific song just music in general. My point is that the will was there ,,, I have never wanted to die... I just don't consider living without my heart living. I was fading... and I did not have the will aynmore to fight. So in silence i went to say goodbye to the places that had witnessed the music of my soul played out. I went and I saw Father Tim, and there I found you. Was it ,,, intervention? I do not know what I have to give you but in that single moment of meeting did I find myself speechless. In awe.

What did I find. In one greeting... one embrace did I feel the stirring. It was like when the titanic was going down and the band played on. Suddenly my heart was awake and for me a light fell on you. Suddenly something stirred... and I did not even know your name. I did not even know who you were or anything about you. I only knew something about you caused a flicker as though my heart was testing the notes. Seeing if the strings still worked, but what did I do... I ran. I avoided you that night for fear only that you would reject me in some way as a person, but it did not matter. For everywhere I went I looked for you even out of the corner of my eye. I was approached by so many people... and I simply could not get you off my mind. You a woman who's name I did not even know. You may have told me but I really was to dumbstruck to think at that moment. Then I saw you and your gf and I was confused with myself. She is gay I thought to myself, but then I thought something that hit home as a very new thing to me. Mind you I have bever met a woman in my life that I found interesting that I did not wish to find a relationship with, but I wanted to know you. I went up to you to say goodbye hoping that you'd give me an opening... any opening to get to know you better. You know I don't say goodbye to anyone at the club. I just leave and they know I am gone.

And so you gave me your address here. Daus passed and I wasn't sure if it was the right one. I refused to look at the pictures on your myspace if you can believe it. I worried that I had remembered your beauty wrong. I worried that my mind made to greg a thing of you in my head. Sara... is not beautiful but when I was with her she was so.... gorgeous to me. I wanted to know you but I wanted you to be as beautiful as I remembed as well. Looking back on that... I would have been well served to just look. If I may take a moment aside to say... and please do not think I overexaggerate... I have never seen anyone or anything in this world more beautiful than you are. Part of it prolly is my image of you... but to me you truly are like dreams made flesh. Form given to every ideal of beauty I ever have imagined, and some I never dreamed of.

Now do we find the interesting part... I found a way to the church on thursday. Do you know I would not have made it to the church that day but 6 minutes after greg said no someone called that made him change his mind.

I was amazed when you arrived at the church. You showed interest in me. You asked questions. You cared! You ... liked me. I have had ,,, at least two dozen women that I blinked out of tmy life because they liked me. I have nothing to give them. I was an empty vessel, but something sparked in me for you. That night some part of me... the me that I keep locked up and safe stirred.

Forgive me if the typing on this proves faulty anywhere... for some reason I seem to be settling into a peavefull state and almost want to sleep, but I am singing atm and givivng everything I am to that. It may sound like an odd belief to you but I am genuinly singing my heart out even as I right this hoping that somehow that song will reach you and keep you safe. I suppose my relgion is close to paganism and the music would be for me my element.

Moving on when we started talking... and kept talking I was ... amazed. It seemed as though with every affirmation of your interest my heart was writing a new note. It seems the more I try to strain against like you the more I can't help myself. I hated in that moment the hope flaring in my heart... and came to fear it. I almost didn't go sunday when we finally did get plans together, but I'll get to that. I... sunday I was again who I am inside. Every movement every feeling guided by song and by strength. Sunday with you I didn't just feel like my old self... at moments I was. I am afraid of that coming back

You know much of my story... how much I have been beaten down by life... it is easier to fade than to risk being who I am and being broken down again. To drink and hate myself to death... but that moment I chose to buy three roses instead of rum... I could have gotten alot of rum too... it occurred to me. If I like you... if I walk this path I could lose it all again. In that moment I had to choose to like you or to get drunk and keep letting myself die. As you know... I chose you and in choosing you I have chosen myself. That one small moment where means alot. It seems to have meant much to you as well. I am not going to say it is all you, but I am coming back into myself. Now when I ask you things or it sounds like I doubt myself... I am trying to make you happy... and make sure I can do what it takes to do so.

My greatest fear is your own nature. That I may never been enough to keep you interested, but as you said... you do not hold the air... however I am more than happy to breath it in and let it out and enjoy every breath. I only say this... there will come a time when I will love you. That spark is there for me. I do not mean to sound like I am rushing. Maybe next week... maybe twenty years from now, but even if we were never in a true relationship if we keep going as we both seem to intend to.... I will someday look at you and tell you I love you. You have bespelled me dear... I seem to be losing my will to die and remembering who I am. I do not understand why I like you so much. Perhaps the divine beings have me an opportunity and I simply am meant to take it. So I am. As long as you are here for me I am here for you. If you never decide to be in a relationship with me I will still be there liking you. Someday loving you even. It is far greater now the music of life I play than I have ever played before. I will warn you that that shy part of me will go away, and that me you witnessed sunday if you keep down the path you are on will be the me that is there all the time. I suppose in many regards I will always be shy and dorky... but the strength will always be there. You told me sunday that I already loved you. I think in part that is true, not an intense in love but it is like my heart already seems to feel for you. That speed of it all is quick to me and scary, but I am going to ride this out... whatever happens I will face it without fear but with courage. Lauren...you say I should accept you like me... very well but I am only going to be what I am then.

I am a romantic creature. I am someone who lives and breathes romance and so in turn you shall see less doubt and more of me dedicating myself to my romantic nature. I like you Lauren... and if it is not saying to much I want to love you even if you never returned it. To not love you would be like Van Gogh never painting Starry Night. I am a romantic... and you are the most entrancing person I have ever known... and that is just knowing you this short time.

If you can not go this weekend very well. I am not going either. Not because you aren't coming and not because I don't want to face Casey alone, but I will be damned if she gets a chance to hurt the part of me that belongs to you now. That is if you want it. I do not ask anything for it in the giving. I simply want to walk this path with you. If I am stuck with you you are stuck with me.

I will extend one offer though. If I don't go... I have this apartment to myself this weekend for the most part. I'd like to have you over Saturday evening. I will cook you dinner. I will have a chance to just sit and talk with you in a place that is not the church. I will be sober and I will be confident because I am at home. If you allow me I would go to sleep cuddling you and I made it clear last sunday that I have no intention of trying to have sex until I feel the moment is right so you need not worry about that either. If need be I will sleep on the couch and you may have the bed. I will go to abilene next week on my own... and I do think especially if I get another chance to see you... if I have another day like sunday I will go there like wildfire singing a battle cry and I will stare down Casey... she will not beat me down again. I am coming back out of my shell in large part thanks to you. She will not ruin that. I will not allow it. I am afraid of her but I will prepare for the week to face her. Courage is not facing someone you know you can beat... it is facing someone you know has beaten you.

I like you Lauren... despite my pessimistic side I like you and I won't run away this time. Fate perhaps gave me this opportunity... I will see where this path leads and I do believe for once that you and I shall make eachother happy. I do not know in what capacity but we shall make eachother happy I know that.

If you do come Saturday I will warn you... I shall not hide my scars. You shall see me and them in the light. I will be shy here. Not for lack of desire to be otherwise but simply because it is part of me as well. When sunday evening hits we will see to it that you arrive at the church and if you want me to come I shall arrive with you.

On one final note do I leave you the poem that I gave everyone I have ever trusted... so far I have been hurt by them all. Yet I shall simply give it to you not knowing what your response to this letter will be. There is fear becausse in the writing of this letter I am being more of the true me than I have in a long time. I fear rejection but I am going to stare it down and hope for the best...

HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

Sincerely,
Harry

and that is it... :)

I love going to Church

Well, everything is looking up. Dramatically. I thinks that all i can say. other than i feel like im on top of the world and eeverything seemed so trivial before hand. I love my life. :)

Goddess Help Me!!

Well here is my new blog entry for today! The internet is down at school so I’m typing this in word right now. This blows.
Well Valentine’s Day was fun. For the most part. I still fell asleep crying though. When will this shit stop? I can’t take it anymore. I cry because I’m not with my mate, but then I cry because if I go to my mate then I will lose my love. What is this shit? Such a dilemma. But I realized last night why the decision is so hard. Andrew is my heart and Chris is my soul. How do I choose between the two without losing everything else? Answer: I cant. So I believe that I have made my decision by leaving both. I don’t want to have to choose. So that’s my only option…  I die a little each day because I don’t have chris and sometime when I lay with Andrew all I can think about afterwards is chris. And it kills me. Cause Andrew has given me everything and I cant seem to give him all of me.
Well that’s all for now. Found internet connection. Hopefully writing this out will help me think through my problems better. Hopefully.

Valentines DAY!!!

Well today has gone better than expected. got alot done. but i had this horrible dream last night that i cant seem to shake. chris and I were in major trouble. but it was like we were on a game show. Like battle royale. And it lasted too long. I couldnt wake up. I just couldnt. but I think we ended up ok. hopefully.
Now andrew suprised me today. i didnt even think he was up. and then he shows up at my door. Made me so happy!!!! *Glomps andrew* Well i dont have that much time to type so i will end this here. happy Valentines day loves!!!!

"Insert-Witty-Title-Here"

God this week is sucking. I wont be able to type long cause I'm in class and its almost over but i really wanted to update you on what was going on in my really unfair, horrible life right now. Basically let me give you the low-down:
1. Failing my classes
2. Not going to classes
3. Stole money from my parents
4. Not strong enough to make myself cold
5. Having to choose between the loves of my life
6. Don't have a job
7. Not interested in getting a job
8. Running out of money
9. I don't feel physically appealing
10. And i don't know how to fix one problem without making another one worse...

It's like I have come to a cross roads in my life and on the left is this gorgeous, clear, safe, warm path thats appealing to all that come to it. There would be no worries if i came to this path, no hurt, no heartbreak. but on the right, is the dark,enchanted,magical path that has no pre-set answers.



Now generally, if in real life i came to these paths i would pick the one on the right. the magical one. but i know that if i picked it now I would end up being consumed by it and becoming apart of the path itself. Becoming part of nature. And i would absolutely love that. But nature can be unforgiving and dangerous. There is no certainty that i would come out on the other side. and if i did end up coming out on the other side, i can almost guarantee that i would be a different person, in a bad way.



If i took the path to the left i would always know the answer, always know the ending. i would be amazingly happy for all time while going down that path. but I would miss the mystery, the passion, the unyielding animalistic drive. But I know that i would always be happy.


What do i do?

The Weight of my Heart

Wow... to say the least. I am dating and Love Andrew very deeply, but my heart and instinks say he is not my mate. they say chris is.
I probably shouldnt be writing this down but i need to tell someone and noone knows im on here. i need my mate. And it felt perfect, like he was what i needed the whole time.
so now i have this delimma. lots of dellimmas to say the least. But I think the biggest one is what i should do about loving chris and loving andrew?
I know now is not the time for chris. And Everything is beyond perfect with Andrew. its just... I'm at odds with myself.

if i want to put it in story terms I, vampire queen and ruler, have the choice of being with a lowly human or a enemy wolf. Now all i need is the actual vampire and the triangle is done.

blah. i will write more later.