Goddess Help Me!!

Well here is my new blog entry for today! The internet is down at school so I’m typing this in word right now. This blows.
Well Valentine’s Day was fun. For the most part. I still fell asleep crying though. When will this shit stop? I can’t take it anymore. I cry because I’m not with my mate, but then I cry because if I go to my mate then I will lose my love. What is this shit? Such a dilemma. But I realized last night why the decision is so hard. Andrew is my heart and Chris is my soul. How do I choose between the two without losing everything else? Answer: I cant. So I believe that I have made my decision by leaving both. I don’t want to have to choose. So that’s my only option…  I die a little each day because I don’t have chris and sometime when I lay with Andrew all I can think about afterwards is chris. And it kills me. Cause Andrew has given me everything and I cant seem to give him all of me.
Well that’s all for now. Found internet connection. Hopefully writing this out will help me think through my problems better. Hopefully.

Valentines DAY!!!

Well today has gone better than expected. got alot done. but i had this horrible dream last night that i cant seem to shake. chris and I were in major trouble. but it was like we were on a game show. Like battle royale. And it lasted too long. I couldnt wake up. I just couldnt. but I think we ended up ok. hopefully.
Now andrew suprised me today. i didnt even think he was up. and then he shows up at my door. Made me so happy!!!! *Glomps andrew* Well i dont have that much time to type so i will end this here. happy Valentines day loves!!!!

"Insert-Witty-Title-Here"

God this week is sucking. I wont be able to type long cause I'm in class and its almost over but i really wanted to update you on what was going on in my really unfair, horrible life right now. Basically let me give you the low-down:
1. Failing my classes
2. Not going to classes
3. Stole money from my parents
4. Not strong enough to make myself cold
5. Having to choose between the loves of my life
6. Don't have a job
7. Not interested in getting a job
8. Running out of money
9. I don't feel physically appealing
10. And i don't know how to fix one problem without making another one worse...

It's like I have come to a cross roads in my life and on the left is this gorgeous, clear, safe, warm path thats appealing to all that come to it. There would be no worries if i came to this path, no hurt, no heartbreak. but on the right, is the dark,enchanted,magical path that has no pre-set answers.



Now generally, if in real life i came to these paths i would pick the one on the right. the magical one. but i know that if i picked it now I would end up being consumed by it and becoming apart of the path itself. Becoming part of nature. And i would absolutely love that. But nature can be unforgiving and dangerous. There is no certainty that i would come out on the other side. and if i did end up coming out on the other side, i can almost guarantee that i would be a different person, in a bad way.



If i took the path to the left i would always know the answer, always know the ending. i would be amazingly happy for all time while going down that path. but I would miss the mystery, the passion, the unyielding animalistic drive. But I know that i would always be happy.


What do i do?

The Weight of my Heart

Wow... to say the least. I am dating and Love Andrew very deeply, but my heart and instinks say he is not my mate. they say chris is.
I probably shouldnt be writing this down but i need to tell someone and noone knows im on here. i need my mate. And it felt perfect, like he was what i needed the whole time.
so now i have this delimma. lots of dellimmas to say the least. But I think the biggest one is what i should do about loving chris and loving andrew?
I know now is not the time for chris. And Everything is beyond perfect with Andrew. its just... I'm at odds with myself.

if i want to put it in story terms I, vampire queen and ruler, have the choice of being with a lowly human or a enemy wolf. Now all i need is the actual vampire and the triangle is done.

blah. i will write more later.