I'm sorry you have to watch me go down in flames...

I have bags under my eyes
And no appetite what to speak of. 
My hands shake and
And I get nervous when planes
Fly over. 
My eyes are always puff and
Red
If fallen into the habit of sleeping 
Face down. 
My head hurts
And I feel physically
That I'm ten years
Their senior. 
I'm to tired
I'm too gone
That black and blue abyss
Looks mighty sweet. 
I ruin others peoples
Lives when I become like
This. 
I need to get away. 
Far away where my mother can't
Find me. 

The Decent

You walk through that door
that door
that takes you from childhood
that door that defines the rest of your life
it defines who you are
a door that every time
you enter
a new piece of you comes
into focus. A never ending
focus
that forever shapes
the person
that you are
meant to be.
My door has been opened
many times,
resulting in alot of
knowledge
that has been obtained.
But in the
end
you know
nothing.
Today i know
myself
but yesterday I was on a
mission.
Every time you
open that door
you have a new
adventure
and everytime
you open that door
you find an answer
until you come
to the final conclusion
that its not
the Door
that defines
you,
but the journey.

G I Joe

As I lay here in the dying snow
I see a light from above
and it burns like fire
It promises passion
and pain
Either one I would gladly take
For holding his hand
in the desert sun
I know would be worth
all the life times
I could ever
achieve.

Humbled

Currently in class and this weird feeling has taken a hold of me. Its peaceful, depressing, lonely, and humbled. How does that make sense? it doesn't. I fear a loss of a new friend. And that loss will hurt me more than anything else short of me losing my daughter. I cried today for him when he left my arms. I don't cry, I never cry. I learned a long time ago that there isn't a good enough reason for me to shed a tear. A calm has come over me sense I met him. An understanding if you will. I hate writing about my happy feeling because they seem so cheapened by words. But this man just makes me want to write everything down to remember. The reason why I want to remember is becasue I have a feeling he is going to be ripped from me one day. He will be deployed soon. Im a very dangerous field. This morning when he walked out of my house I felt like I was letting the love of my life walk away from me forever.

I have alot more on my mind than I am able to type right now. BUt this short paragraph has helped me significantly

These Dreams

These dreams keep coming. My dream last night was the wierdest yet. But the same guy has been in them for the past couple nights. He watches over me. Protects me. Kind of like a big brother. BUt not a Big Brother. I say bigbecasue of his stature. He has wide shoulders and big arms. I can never see his face. He is built and tough. And in this most recent dream he was a cop that looked like he stepped out of Casablanca. I can never see his face. But I know that he is real. I wonder if he will come again. I wonder if he is real. I hope to see him again tonight.

My Side of Things Through a The Looking Glass

One day a little girl decided that it owuld be a good idea to run away and leave the world behind. Little did she know that it would change the rest of her life the way it did. Well see she had found room and bored with really nice gentlemen that wanted to help. The helpwas geniuin but the Men were weird. She dealt with it becasue now she could say she had a place of her own. Even if it was run down and not in a good part of town. But it was hers. While there she found 'Love'. Two acctually. The First one was Moor. He stole her heart and whisked her off to a land where they would be happy forever. she loved him with all her heart until the day that she decided to come back to reality. Then they ended on not so good terms. But for a while he was her man in kilted crazy wolf armor. Then came Skull. Skull had alot of illusions going on that our dear little girl did not see. He talked her into letting him move in with her. And then he started taking over her life. One day she decided to take a pregnancy test. She was going to be bearing a child. She pretended to be excited at first but then eventually told him that she didnt want it. He said that if she got rid of the baby hat he would never talk to her again and that he would leave. she kept the baby blindly lying to herself saying that she loved him.

The baby comes. Her worlds under done. And no one would ever know it. She cant take the abuse from Skull anymore. She just need to find her feet. She needs to protect Feather from skull. Well one night, while living back with her parentals, she asked a friend to come and watch Feather. During that time she proceeds to klick him out on his ass in the worst part of the city. She is feeling pretty god now. even though she now has Feather and lives back with her Parentals, life is good in an empty bed.

And then Wrench came along. And through a wrench into her life...again. They had a thing before she ran away and while in these tough times, she caved and promised to marry him. She soon realized that this was a bad idea and no longer wanted to particapate. Unfortualty she has made a GOD DAMN DECISION yet and is still seeing him. one day she will learn but it will have to be on her turf and in her own time.

I will add more later. Right now im just emotionally drained going down memory lane.