Realization

As i lay here watching Sex and the City, I realize that I'm alone. Plain and simple. Totally alone. One of my favorite sayings lately has become "Is the juice worth the squeeze?" Well, i do believe that being alone is exactly what i have been needing. Im strong, stubborn, and deserving of a good man. A man that... i don't know. Is actually a man. But i have yet to figure out that species. Ive been subjecting myself so long to boy and their cheap little toys that I never realized how may other great opportunities there were out there. For once I have the urge to go out to a high profile event and put what my mother forced down my throat to use. Use my body, my intelligence and my smile to use to snag me a good man. some would say i was too young, and truthfully, if I were one of the older female spectators i would be vehementing once i saw myself walk through the door.
I have found this new form of dating, it feels as if i have crossed into a secret society of men and woman that I some how had over looked when i was writing my 'what i wanna do when i grow up' paper in kindergarten.
I am about to become the woman that my mother always wanted me to be. but on my own terms...

Indescribable

Well I do believe this will be the first blog i have written on here that really doesn't have a specific genre to be stamped on the head on it. Just mindless rambling.

well here i go...

lets start with a on-the-spot poem

I sit here
not in prayer
not in tears
but in an odd calm
indescribable really
my soul has a faint rhythm
my mind has a placid calm
and nothing
can interrupt the dance that
takes place in my subconscious
some would say I'm
numb
but in truth,
I'm Switzerland
no sides taken
no opinions on my current objectives
just existing
but the difference between the present
and past
is that I'm living.
there is a warmth inside me now
that cannot be touched
I'm moving forward
taking chances
and loving myself
to some...
that's not enough
but to me
that's all that i need
to finish my life
and i swear to all
my life will not be ending
anytime soon
I have yet to....
well, i don't know yet.
but i know there is more i have to do
so i wait
until the fates take me home
and i will be at peace...


I will end this post with a quote. one that had been running through my head the entire time i wrote.

"for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."

With all my heart
Eve

I've Had Time to Ponder

In these past few weeks I have tried new things, met new people, and exposed myself to new situations. And the whole time I have been wondering 'What is all this for'. The answer still escapes me. Even now I still ponder on it but I feel as if I have gotten some of my soul back while searching for the answer. Everything one does in life is for one main purpose, and that is to love life and the people around you with all your heart. While at the same time, hoping with all of your being that one day that other half of you will walk into the room and light up your life.
I had forgotton that. I had been empty and cold, numb, to laughter, kindness, and hope until I found this gracious clearing of my soul.
I sit here knowing my time has not yet come to find that light of my life. And that gives me hope. For now i know that he has not passed me by. He may already be in my life, yet without my knowledge. Or he maybe someone i meet in the far future. But until the time comes that I find the other half of my soul I will continue to learn. I will continues to love. And i will continue to be a hopeless romantic reading books and watching romantic movies while i cry into pillow. I will admit that sometimes my dreams run away with my heart. But how can one help it in such a numbingly pessimistic world. Sometimes my dreams are the only thing that keep me here.

And here i shall stay until I know I am worthy of the man that was made for me. Forever if necessary.
I will weep
yes
but I will weep for the fact that I am not ready
it is much more the incentive to wake up and be a better woman when i know that the sooner i grow, the sooner i will be complete in all aspects.
And that is the blessing that has been bestowed on me the past few weeks.
I don't know how to repay the heavens other than walking the path that they have laid in front of me. No stone can stop my travels. No storm can impede my voyage. No amount of doubt can stop my fate. Only my decisions can determine my destiny...