Wow things are screwy in my head

it was innocent
purely emotional
but then it started to show some other colors.
I didnt know what to do
i forgot how to fight
and I let it happen again.
Things started getting fuzzy
the beat of my heart rang in my ears
I wasnt supposed to happen this way.
I wanted to scream
I wanted to yell
I wanted to pretend to just save myself
But its the pretending
not the person
that would make me a disappointment.


He came last night
Snuck in
Didnt even shut the window.
disappointing.
hands remember
and hearts beat as one
to a race that will never be won
Sleep
something that is foreign now
tossing and turning
cold sweats in the night
frustration from exhausted
while exhaustion loses out
few nights i sleep
thinking those thoughts
remembering those memories
in my own little world
its nice there this time of year
everything goes my way
but theres a face that wasnt there before
a ghost in the shadows
sneaking around in the dark
pretending he isnt there
'I see you Ghost
I know your there'
He watches me
studies me
waiting to see what im going to do next
Those eyes burn
let me tell you
But there are times
in those dreams
that im okay with him there
knowing that nothing is going to happen to me
knowing that im safe in bed and he is there
Bitter sweet would be a good word
I sleep better those nights
no tossing and turning
No Frustration or anger
just my world
and My Shadow Ghost
that doesnt have enough
sense
to shut the window.

Special

We had
something Special
A dream
that became
a reality
that became a nightmare
can only be
a memory now
But that dream
was a lie
and a liar within it
but it was real to me
if only for a time
but in that moment
it became one of
my fondest memories
if only for dream
that will always be
special to me

Frost Bite

I feel it close to my toes.
the cold radiates
like heat
against my skin
standing in the door way
afraid to feel the snow
but yearning
its cold bite
So long have I shadowed
this door way
teasing the snow
with empty promises
of melting around my path
Lungs fill with the
cold sting of winter
letting on to the pleasure
its promises with its
Wintery Kiss
Snow plays in my hair
and teases the tops of my feet
wanting me to step
So long have I shadowed this door way
My soul takes over and drags me
into the painful cold
Ice, Snow, Wind
It promises death and sacrifice
but above all it promises love
a love that will never die
a love that will never melt
for if we are together
the Winter will always have the strength
to rage wild and deadly
with me by his side
hand in hand
heart for heart
life breath for burning colda
The pain encompasses me,
a sign of affection.
Snow adorns my hair like diamonds
Ice clamps my wrists
with a promise of protection
and a collar of Frost encompasses my neck
No longer am I alone
but controlled by My Love.
So I go willingly into the frozen powder
and become overtaken by the
Winter Frost

A life lesson

Truth ad words.
they tumble off my lips
like sweet liqour
i can't hold back my mind
in this time of chaos.
so truth flows through my lips with
a blunt agony.
love is such a funny word.
so many definitions
why do I have to be restricted to just one?
so much of me longs to be yearned
As well as the part that wants to be loved
how do I balance the two?
I'm lost
Conflicted
when two things are perfect
yet polar opposites
how is a logical choice
meant
to be made.
I'm lost,
confused,
manipulated
and torn.
But as normal
I will roll with the punches
and make sure that my happiness
is achieved.
For what benefit am i if
i can't display my happiness
for a reference?
Or do I
choose
Always be happy,
without the feelings of others?
This is the
conclusion
that I have come to:
Live in the moment,
Even though you know that moment will end
Why deprive your soul of its benefits?
Our life's shouldn't be cut short
with 'what if's'
Live in the moment
and feed your
soul
with the happiness it can
provide.
No matter what the
consequences...

Warden Vs. Cowboy

Your so sad.
both of you.
no longer
are we freshman
in this game of life
But suppossed
to be enlightened
and mature.
This, sadly,
is no longer
an option.
So with the last effort
I sit back and laugh at your own
distruction
and sell
cotten candy
at your wake.
in the memory
of your immaturity.
Your so sad.
Both of you.

Master Cleanse Diet

The night before day one:

Beginning Weight: 175.4 lbs

Im terrified.
Utterly terrified.
I will weigh myself in the morning to give a real update.
Wish me luck...

Truth

I don't know how to say it
So i will do it in rhyme
Something little, and simple
just to pass the time
Our run was great
We had our fun
But some how
I know its only just begun
And though our nights were short
they left a kiss on my soul
Which makes me have hope
Scary, I know
No promises to recite
No sweet-nothings to produce
But in our bodies
Can each other deduce
A comfort in a caress
and a little hope in a kiss
Makes a little agony
turn into a much needed bliss
Trust me with your time
and have a little faith
that if nothing else
We've at least found this place
Where no one else can tread
And where we both will learn
What it means to trust
And receive Trust in return

Pity

Pity

It’s a hard
Shame
That you feel it
Necessary
To leave
Loved ones
Behind…
Knowing
In your soul
That you have left
Everything that you
Have fought for
You gave up
On a whim
For a
Greedy temptress
That only longs
To taste the
Beat of your
Heart.
She cackles
And controls
The strings of your
Marionette.
A dance that mocks
Us All
Who watch
For fear that your
Last breath
Will condemn
Our Hope
Be careful
Cub
For we might not
Be here
When your strings break
And your descent will
Be watched with great
Hilarity
And we will
sell tickets
to your dying
Agony

Standards

What have you done
to me
my heart
my head
My soul
this feeling,
so foreign.
its worry.
No amount of
apologies
can remedy my
folly
but hope keeps
me going
I swear
A way will be
found
and your trust
restored
but until then
I wait
in agony
hoping the day
will come
when I've become
worthy
or you lower your
standards

A haiku

When the shit gets tough
The crazy get scary
and scary gets clingy
and clingy becomes dependent
And the dependent become obsessed
and the obsessed become insecure
and the insecure get left behind...

fml

The Breakdown

I finally cried the other day.
I was laying in the arms of a dream
but the dream had pot hole and plot holes
Never a beginning or end
Just a common question:
What are we really doing here?
No one wants a Wind up doll that doesn't dance
No longer does a heart reside inside this chest
but a voided chasm which is eating me from the inside out
how did I become this person?
how did I become this thing
Its like I'm dying in the middle of the street
and everyone just keeps walking
So here I fall
passing through the fire to get to the other side
i don't want to have to be that strong
But with my arms wrapped around myself
I cry
and try and believe in a dream
that will never be mine...

Debaucherous Display

Friendship and deception should be synonyms.
When a friend tell me that she is in a place that makes her sad and she for some reason or another cannot get out of there, I go out of my way to help them. I left my daughter tonight so I could help my long time friend Melissa Killian because she was drunk and around her ex boyfriend who was currently being hung on by another girl. Its midnight, Im already in bed and I get a call from her to come get her. After a long fight with my dad he gives me the ok to come get her. So Im in the car on my way to get her from this shit ass motel on 35 and business 121 and she calls me telling me that she wants to stay with John because she loves him. Ok, little tid bit here: If you knew a friend who was in an environment that made her sad wouldn't you care enough to get her out of there?
Back to the events that unfolded. So I get there and she has the whole gang there by now. Andrew, my ex. Carly his current bitch of a girlfriend that makes him pay for everything. And Jon, her ex that practically has the mentality of a three year old with down-syndrome. they tell me she isnt going anywhere unless they take her. I LOSE IT! I left my fucking daughter in the middle of the fucking night to bring you home like you asked me to and now you dont want to come home cause you say im trying to control you!?
two word: Ungrateful bitch
so I basically lose it and tell her to never call me again and that she deserves to be miserable if she continues to put herself in these types of situations.
Was i wrong?

Tempest of Phantoms

Its dark here
and echoing chasm of dancers long passed
yet still their spirits
take the floor
and pulse in my chest remind me im alive
and I become envious of the dancing display
for they have more life than me
somewhere
across the hall
a kindred soul.
Hating this dance
for neither of us have waltzed to this tune.
his eyes like coal,
a small burning ember
Only a few more steps and we will no longer be alone
one
two
three
four
standing in the middle of obsidian shadows
we meet
His hands like Ice that chill me to my core
But his eyes keep my burning
a bond forms
taking hold of our fates
there is no stopping the call
the chill has taken over
not long now
my heart has been given and his recieved
no longer detached from life
but found in the little death
of loves embrace
and we have become
part of the Tempest of Phantoms

Personal Quote

I have come to the conclusion that im more ready to have a baby than be in a relationship

Breath in, Breath out

Well its the second of March and I am now a week away from term of my pregnancy. Everyone keeps asking me whether im nervous or not. Truthfully not really. Right now im nervous that the house isnt going to be clean in time for her to come home. Crazy huh?

Since I found out that I was pregnant my life as changed dramatically. Not just how I live, but how i think and view things. It might be that whole motherly thing kicking in. there is alot more going into being a mom that people without kids realize. Truth be told I'm kind of ashamed of some of my fried who are 30 and forty years old and still aren't responsible enough to do the dishes or laundry. At one point in time I was like that. Asking me to clean my room was like asking me to build the wall of china in a day. It just wasnt going to happen. But there is a differance between an eighteen year old TEENAGER being a slob and someone in their thirties that still cant take care of themselves. *Sigh* I digress.

I am worried about being a good mom. i think everyone who is having a kid for the first time is worried that their going to be a good parent. It scary. Terrifying. Beautifully intimidating.

The Lone Player

She's quiet now
He's here
I want him
My mind say yes
but my body is stubborn
I cry out in rage
All the time
Every time
Except at night
I feel it then
The familiar throbbing
in between my legs
So I run to him
No he says
Too tired
Too sleepy
Too...
Frustration eats me alive
How do i satisfy
this yearning
Im all alone here
Tears stream down my face
I choose this
No turning back
So it shall be
that the pulse
between my legs
Shall be a lone player
for the rest of days
And frustration eats me
from the inside out