Definition:a territorial dominion of a state,domination, actuation, or obsession by a feeling, idea, etc, Having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially in order to limit that person's relationships with others.
Sometime it can be a good thing. Most time it gets out of control. It is getting out of control on my part. I'm so paranoid that he will look at all me amazing friends and realize that they are better than what he has. Like i was just a pit stop written on the maps the fates provided the gods after creation. Fear of being the girl he had to find to find his actual true love. He loves me because i am so differant from everyone else. But my close girlfriends are exactly like me. And that scares me.
I keep being told from every which angle that there is nothing to worry about, but I've always been a naturally paranoid person.I just know I'm not good enough. I think that is the main issue i need to tackle. But how do i do that without becoming arrogant and cocky. Its when shit like that happens that something actually does go wrong and the person is so enamored with themselves that they don't notice. I'm walking a very dangerous edge.
I find myself stepping very out of character with him. Letting him tell me what to do. Not anything big. But like, He has got me in the habit of him lighting my cigarette's, and he becomes frustrated when i light my own. Whether that be out of defiance or just forgetfulness. I cant help it. Its in my nature to be self sufficient. And another thing is I let him dote on me. Like bathing me and stuff like that. i would never had let any of my other men do that to me. i am also starting to admit to him when I'm not feeling well, or feeling weak. THAT'S NOT ME!!! when do i ever how weakness. Even when I'm alone with a person?
Its a blessing. He is a blessing. I'm just so out of my element that i cant figure out what the outcome is going to be. And most of me doesn't care and knows the best has yet to come. But my 'old' Lauren side is still a little apprehensive. But i do believe that is just self preservation kicking in.
You know? its funny. There is a perfect qoute that i could end this with. "From my experience, honey, if he seems too good to be true—he probably is" The funny part is that it is from Sex and the City. Ironic right?
Well this concludes my brain fart. I will report back later. :)
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Thoughts
Dear life
its all
gone wrong...
Life is a series of lessons
I just dont know what this one is trying to teach me
When the villagers saw the the young queen step up to the alter with their king, they knew that she wouldn't last long. His reputation was known as to be mean, hot tempered, and evil. But the young Queen saw more. Every day after their marriage, the servants in the castle would constantly be by her side when the king was around, for fear of him hurting her. They didn't want to take the risk of hurting such a bright warming light. The king saw this and became angry.
'She is MINE!!! And only mine! She is my queen and i will do with her what i please!' And with that statement said, he locked her up in his part of the castle. Every day he would bring her enough food to survive till the next day and would bring her what ever she asked for. The young queen never talked back, never questioned him, and always answered her door with a smile on her face. This confused the king because no one had ever smiled at him. But just like a chime on a clock, she would be ready to receive him everyday with a smile on her face. It wasnt that the Queen was naive of stupid. She was actually renowned throughout the kingdom for her intellegence and her insight. And what she saw inside the king could never be explained to a human that wouldnt give him a chance. She knew there was good inside this 'evil' king that no one else could see but her. She was kind and courtious. Always being the proper wife. But a day came when there was a gathering to see the king. It was a weekly routine. Farmers coming to report to the king about their harvest, traders trying to sell their goods to the king and his court before going to market. But this day was unlike any other day. Sitting on the throne, high above the villagers he looked over and saw his queen was sitting in the throne next to him and smiled. The villagers were startled. Never had they seen the King smile. Not even a grin. Soon it was the talk in all the town that the queen had not only survived, but had broken the king of his habits. This gave the villagers courage. The next time a meeting was held, they were going to bring up his past grievences he did to the town.
That plan of action obviously didnt go so well, About half way through the meeting a young farmers burst up from the crowd and accussed the King of being hot headed and not right to rule. The King quickly sprang from his thrown, heading for the young farmer. Rearing back his fist to beat the farmer into submission he heard a voice.
"My King" she said. The whole room turned and looked at the white queen. She had stood up from her thrown and walked to the edge of the platform. Her hands were daintly crossed infront of her and her eyes held a conviction that no one else could have over the King. One look, thats all it took. The King let the farmer go and proceeded back to the Queens side. Her smile had broken him. And her heart had set him free. Trouble was, where does he go from here.
its all
gone wrong...
Life is a series of lessons
I just dont know what this one is trying to teach me
When the villagers saw the the young queen step up to the alter with their king, they knew that she wouldn't last long. His reputation was known as to be mean, hot tempered, and evil. But the young Queen saw more. Every day after their marriage, the servants in the castle would constantly be by her side when the king was around, for fear of him hurting her. They didn't want to take the risk of hurting such a bright warming light. The king saw this and became angry.
'She is MINE!!! And only mine! She is my queen and i will do with her what i please!' And with that statement said, he locked her up in his part of the castle. Every day he would bring her enough food to survive till the next day and would bring her what ever she asked for. The young queen never talked back, never questioned him, and always answered her door with a smile on her face. This confused the king because no one had ever smiled at him. But just like a chime on a clock, she would be ready to receive him everyday with a smile on her face. It wasnt that the Queen was naive of stupid. She was actually renowned throughout the kingdom for her intellegence and her insight. And what she saw inside the king could never be explained to a human that wouldnt give him a chance. She knew there was good inside this 'evil' king that no one else could see but her. She was kind and courtious. Always being the proper wife. But a day came when there was a gathering to see the king. It was a weekly routine. Farmers coming to report to the king about their harvest, traders trying to sell their goods to the king and his court before going to market. But this day was unlike any other day. Sitting on the throne, high above the villagers he looked over and saw his queen was sitting in the throne next to him and smiled. The villagers were startled. Never had they seen the King smile. Not even a grin. Soon it was the talk in all the town that the queen had not only survived, but had broken the king of his habits. This gave the villagers courage. The next time a meeting was held, they were going to bring up his past grievences he did to the town.
That plan of action obviously didnt go so well, About half way through the meeting a young farmers burst up from the crowd and accussed the King of being hot headed and not right to rule. The King quickly sprang from his thrown, heading for the young farmer. Rearing back his fist to beat the farmer into submission he heard a voice.
"My King" she said. The whole room turned and looked at the white queen. She had stood up from her thrown and walked to the edge of the platform. Her hands were daintly crossed infront of her and her eyes held a conviction that no one else could have over the King. One look, thats all it took. The King let the farmer go and proceeded back to the Queens side. Her smile had broken him. And her heart had set him free. Trouble was, where does he go from here.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Intake
When i breath
I take you in
You fill me up
and tear my masks
off
My heart beats
A steady rhythm
just to get closer
to you
in
out
in
out
in
under
beneath
consumed
my soul is yours now
keep it steady
rhythm gets too fast
rhythm gets too slow
When the rhythm
stops
its the day
i know you let me
go
I take you in
You fill me up
and tear my masks
off
My heart beats
A steady rhythm
just to get closer
to you
in
out
in
out
in
under
beneath
consumed
my soul is yours now
keep it steady
rhythm gets too fast
rhythm gets too slow
When the rhythm
stops
its the day
i know you let me
go
A Short Message
Let this be known:
Hurt me
Scar me
Pull my hair
rip my heart
out
and leave me
there
I will be a
ghost
a Stain on your
soul
And as a woman
I give my
word
That i will still
stand
I will never back down
And every
time
You break me
I will come back
Come back stronger
better
and give you
the treatment you
gave me
The only difference is
A smile
will replace your
laugh
And the fates
will bless
my conquest
Let it be known...
Hurt me
Scar me
Pull my hair
rip my heart
out
and leave me
there
I will be a
ghost
a Stain on your
soul
And as a woman
I give my
word
That i will still
stand
I will never back down
And every
time
You break me
I will come back
Come back stronger
better
and give you
the treatment you
gave me
The only difference is
A smile
will replace your
laugh
And the fates
will bless
my conquest
Let it be known...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The Gypsy King
There once was a Queen that lived a life that all little princess' dream of. Perfect castle, Perfect husband, perfect happiness. The king and Queen were inseparable their love was told as fables all throughout the land. Simply, they were made for one another. No one questioned it. No one bothered them on it. And all was right in the world. Until one day a lone group of gypsies came along and decided that the King was no longer worthy of the Queens love. The king of the Gypsies also had become enthralled by the Queen smile and thought of her as his own. Never had he ever see a woman so beautiful, he had to have her. So one night during the annual banquet the gypsies barged into the hall and demanded that the queen leave with them. the king immediately jumped up at her defense, thrusting his sword towards the Gypsy king. Putting up his hand, without flinching, he held the king in place. frozen, no movement. Only one could tell by the movement of his eyes that he was still alive. The beautiful Queen stands in her loves defense without thought of her own life and defies the Gypsy king.
"I will go with you nowhere." The smirk on the Gypsy kings face was unbreakable. "Oh yes you will my lovely lass. For if you don't, Your 'love' will be park of the castle in a million tiny pieces." the room was silent.
The Queen turned for the last time to her frozen husband with eyes of despair and whispered close in his ear So the Gypsy King could not hear
"You have my heart, you will find me. I love you, you are my everything" and with a last look into his helpless eyes she turned and left with the Gypsy King.
The King became mobile again as soon as the doors shut to the hall. With neck breaking speed he ran and threw the doors open to find nothing there. The Gypsy camp was gone and not even tracks were left behind from the horses so he could follow his love. But his heart still beat with hers and he vowed to find her and avenge this night.
"On my honor, when i find this qypsie king. Even if I have to go past the ends of the earth, I will avenge my love and my life. And every day that she is taken from my life they will suffer one hundred fold for the pain they have caused."
When the vow was done The earth shifted and the air became heavy. the fates were with the King and the Gypsy King's fate had been cut considerably short.
"I will go with you nowhere." The smirk on the Gypsy kings face was unbreakable. "Oh yes you will my lovely lass. For if you don't, Your 'love' will be park of the castle in a million tiny pieces." the room was silent.
The Queen turned for the last time to her frozen husband with eyes of despair and whispered close in his ear So the Gypsy King could not hear
"You have my heart, you will find me. I love you, you are my everything" and with a last look into his helpless eyes she turned and left with the Gypsy King.
The King became mobile again as soon as the doors shut to the hall. With neck breaking speed he ran and threw the doors open to find nothing there. The Gypsy camp was gone and not even tracks were left behind from the horses so he could follow his love. But his heart still beat with hers and he vowed to find her and avenge this night.
"On my honor, when i find this qypsie king. Even if I have to go past the ends of the earth, I will avenge my love and my life. And every day that she is taken from my life they will suffer one hundred fold for the pain they have caused."
When the vow was done The earth shifted and the air became heavy. the fates were with the King and the Gypsy King's fate had been cut considerably short.
How did I not Notice
When you kicked in my door
and tore down my walls
I kneeled at your feet
in admiration
When you gave me
my purpose
I in took a
sigh of relief
but days go by
An feelings become
stronger
and I cant help
but remember
When I ran my own
and
no purpose
was
ever
disappointed...
Once upon a time there was a girl. and she was the prettiest girl in the land
Everyone wanted her and her beautiful looks. Some loathed and some loved her beauty. But She could not hide from herself the hate and sadness that came from being beautiful. Her soul slowly died, but her beauty never faded And when Princes would come to take her away from this life she hated, She looked down on them with an up turned nose. Until one night while she was sleeping, she was stolen away by a neighboring enemy. They had cut her hair and threw away her clothes and left her with nothing but her empty soul. The cage was dark and damp. no mirrors. No windows. And for the first time in her beautiful life, she finally took a sigh of relief...
and tore down my walls
I kneeled at your feet
in admiration
When you gave me
my purpose
I in took a
sigh of relief
but days go by
An feelings become
stronger
and I cant help
but remember
When I ran my own
and
no purpose
was
ever
disappointed...
Once upon a time there was a girl. and she was the prettiest girl in the land
Everyone wanted her and her beautiful looks. Some loathed and some loved her beauty. But She could not hide from herself the hate and sadness that came from being beautiful. Her soul slowly died, but her beauty never faded And when Princes would come to take her away from this life she hated, She looked down on them with an up turned nose. Until one night while she was sleeping, she was stolen away by a neighboring enemy. They had cut her hair and threw away her clothes and left her with nothing but her empty soul. The cage was dark and damp. no mirrors. No windows. And for the first time in her beautiful life, she finally took a sigh of relief...
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
A punch in the Gut...
I guess all i can say is thank you.
I have been humbled
My eyes have been opened
My soul was finally scorned by its reflection
Death and tar fall off my heart
It tries to weigh me down
But determination fills me
And i see a hand above me
Instincts over ride caution
I take the hand
And for once
I can
Breath....
"Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above. " -Gia-
I have been humbled
My eyes have been opened
My soul was finally scorned by its reflection
Death and tar fall off my heart
It tries to weigh me down
But determination fills me
And i see a hand above me
Instincts over ride caution
I take the hand
And for once
I can
Breath....
"Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above. " -Gia-