Epiphany

I have finally figured it out what i do to men!!!!!! This is actually an email i got from a guy who liked me. Just pay attention.


I hope you are well. I hope you are reading this in good health and that if there is a way I can be there for you I can do so.

Allow me before I move forward to explain something about my beliefs that I was going to try and explain on the phone. I believe the world, universe, gods and goddesses, everything is composed of music. The reason I got in to quantum physics was to prove this. Everything in existance is connected by waves. Ion waves. Music is one of the few things in the universe which moves in waves like that. Sound. Some sounds cause discordance but music seems to bring things together. Every culture even those seperated used music to express the divine. I thought I'd establish that before I moved forward, and I want you to know that as I write this I will sing every song of healing and peace I can think of hoping that if my religious ideals are right they will reach you in whatever form they need to. Now to my letter...

You worry that I cut myself off, or tha fear stays my hand and so I shall give you all the cards so to speak. I shall move forward and say everything and place it all out, if you prefer to use the term I am going to "lose the safety net". Since Sara I have been planning my own death. Don't leave just yet read on there is more and most of it isn't bad but before I can give you the cards to play you have to know what they are don't you? I promise the cards I lay out take a better turn but we start with the worst get it out of the way and hope you like the best better. So moving forward since returning to this place I have been... attempting to lower my health or my will to live enough that I died. The night I met you first... was meant to be my last great night at the church. My farewell. What I thought was the final note in that part of the song. They stage was set, but aparantly whoever guides the song had a different song in mind. In life it seems that sometimes the smallest things for me can change a whole path a whole course. My best friend love him though I may and though he is part of the song ofmy life,,, he knew I was dying. He was there last time, and love it wasn't that I wanted it... you say that you are an old soul... I feel as though I have been singing forever. Think back to when you saw me natural and who I was... everything I did was dance. But I get ahead of myself. Always with this though keep a song of the soul in mind. Not any specific song just music in general. My point is that the will was there ,,, I have never wanted to die... I just don't consider living without my heart living. I was fading... and I did not have the will aynmore to fight. So in silence i went to say goodbye to the places that had witnessed the music of my soul played out. I went and I saw Father Tim, and there I found you. Was it ,,, intervention? I do not know what I have to give you but in that single moment of meeting did I find myself speechless. In awe.

What did I find. In one greeting... one embrace did I feel the stirring. It was like when the titanic was going down and the band played on. Suddenly my heart was awake and for me a light fell on you. Suddenly something stirred... and I did not even know your name. I did not even know who you were or anything about you. I only knew something about you caused a flicker as though my heart was testing the notes. Seeing if the strings still worked, but what did I do... I ran. I avoided you that night for fear only that you would reject me in some way as a person, but it did not matter. For everywhere I went I looked for you even out of the corner of my eye. I was approached by so many people... and I simply could not get you off my mind. You a woman who's name I did not even know. You may have told me but I really was to dumbstruck to think at that moment. Then I saw you and your gf and I was confused with myself. She is gay I thought to myself, but then I thought something that hit home as a very new thing to me. Mind you I have bever met a woman in my life that I found interesting that I did not wish to find a relationship with, but I wanted to know you. I went up to you to say goodbye hoping that you'd give me an opening... any opening to get to know you better. You know I don't say goodbye to anyone at the club. I just leave and they know I am gone.

And so you gave me your address here. Daus passed and I wasn't sure if it was the right one. I refused to look at the pictures on your myspace if you can believe it. I worried that I had remembered your beauty wrong. I worried that my mind made to greg a thing of you in my head. Sara... is not beautiful but when I was with her she was so.... gorgeous to me. I wanted to know you but I wanted you to be as beautiful as I remembed as well. Looking back on that... I would have been well served to just look. If I may take a moment aside to say... and please do not think I overexaggerate... I have never seen anyone or anything in this world more beautiful than you are. Part of it prolly is my image of you... but to me you truly are like dreams made flesh. Form given to every ideal of beauty I ever have imagined, and some I never dreamed of.

Now do we find the interesting part... I found a way to the church on thursday. Do you know I would not have made it to the church that day but 6 minutes after greg said no someone called that made him change his mind.

I was amazed when you arrived at the church. You showed interest in me. You asked questions. You cared! You ... liked me. I have had ,,, at least two dozen women that I blinked out of tmy life because they liked me. I have nothing to give them. I was an empty vessel, but something sparked in me for you. That night some part of me... the me that I keep locked up and safe stirred.

Forgive me if the typing on this proves faulty anywhere... for some reason I seem to be settling into a peavefull state and almost want to sleep, but I am singing atm and givivng everything I am to that. It may sound like an odd belief to you but I am genuinly singing my heart out even as I right this hoping that somehow that song will reach you and keep you safe. I suppose my relgion is close to paganism and the music would be for me my element.

Moving on when we started talking... and kept talking I was ... amazed. It seemed as though with every affirmation of your interest my heart was writing a new note. It seems the more I try to strain against like you the more I can't help myself. I hated in that moment the hope flaring in my heart... and came to fear it. I almost didn't go sunday when we finally did get plans together, but I'll get to that. I... sunday I was again who I am inside. Every movement every feeling guided by song and by strength. Sunday with you I didn't just feel like my old self... at moments I was. I am afraid of that coming back

You know much of my story... how much I have been beaten down by life... it is easier to fade than to risk being who I am and being broken down again. To drink and hate myself to death... but that moment I chose to buy three roses instead of rum... I could have gotten alot of rum too... it occurred to me. If I like you... if I walk this path I could lose it all again. In that moment I had to choose to like you or to get drunk and keep letting myself die. As you know... I chose you and in choosing you I have chosen myself. That one small moment where means alot. It seems to have meant much to you as well. I am not going to say it is all you, but I am coming back into myself. Now when I ask you things or it sounds like I doubt myself... I am trying to make you happy... and make sure I can do what it takes to do so.

My greatest fear is your own nature. That I may never been enough to keep you interested, but as you said... you do not hold the air... however I am more than happy to breath it in and let it out and enjoy every breath. I only say this... there will come a time when I will love you. That spark is there for me. I do not mean to sound like I am rushing. Maybe next week... maybe twenty years from now, but even if we were never in a true relationship if we keep going as we both seem to intend to.... I will someday look at you and tell you I love you. You have bespelled me dear... I seem to be losing my will to die and remembering who I am. I do not understand why I like you so much. Perhaps the divine beings have me an opportunity and I simply am meant to take it. So I am. As long as you are here for me I am here for you. If you never decide to be in a relationship with me I will still be there liking you. Someday loving you even. It is far greater now the music of life I play than I have ever played before. I will warn you that that shy part of me will go away, and that me you witnessed sunday if you keep down the path you are on will be the me that is there all the time. I suppose in many regards I will always be shy and dorky... but the strength will always be there. You told me sunday that I already loved you. I think in part that is true, not an intense in love but it is like my heart already seems to feel for you. That speed of it all is quick to me and scary, but I am going to ride this out... whatever happens I will face it without fear but with courage. Lauren...you say I should accept you like me... very well but I am only going to be what I am then.

I am a romantic creature. I am someone who lives and breathes romance and so in turn you shall see less doubt and more of me dedicating myself to my romantic nature. I like you Lauren... and if it is not saying to much I want to love you even if you never returned it. To not love you would be like Van Gogh never painting Starry Night. I am a romantic... and you are the most entrancing person I have ever known... and that is just knowing you this short time.

If you can not go this weekend very well. I am not going either. Not because you aren't coming and not because I don't want to face Casey alone, but I will be damned if she gets a chance to hurt the part of me that belongs to you now. That is if you want it. I do not ask anything for it in the giving. I simply want to walk this path with you. If I am stuck with you you are stuck with me.

I will extend one offer though. If I don't go... I have this apartment to myself this weekend for the most part. I'd like to have you over Saturday evening. I will cook you dinner. I will have a chance to just sit and talk with you in a place that is not the church. I will be sober and I will be confident because I am at home. If you allow me I would go to sleep cuddling you and I made it clear last sunday that I have no intention of trying to have sex until I feel the moment is right so you need not worry about that either. If need be I will sleep on the couch and you may have the bed. I will go to abilene next week on my own... and I do think especially if I get another chance to see you... if I have another day like sunday I will go there like wildfire singing a battle cry and I will stare down Casey... she will not beat me down again. I am coming back out of my shell in large part thanks to you. She will not ruin that. I will not allow it. I am afraid of her but I will prepare for the week to face her. Courage is not facing someone you know you can beat... it is facing someone you know has beaten you.

I like you Lauren... despite my pessimistic side I like you and I won't run away this time. Fate perhaps gave me this opportunity... I will see where this path leads and I do believe for once that you and I shall make eachother happy. I do not know in what capacity but we shall make eachother happy I know that.

If you do come Saturday I will warn you... I shall not hide my scars. You shall see me and them in the light. I will be shy here. Not for lack of desire to be otherwise but simply because it is part of me as well. When sunday evening hits we will see to it that you arrive at the church and if you want me to come I shall arrive with you.

On one final note do I leave you the poem that I gave everyone I have ever trusted... so far I have been hurt by them all. Yet I shall simply give it to you not knowing what your response to this letter will be. There is fear becausse in the writing of this letter I am being more of the true me than I have in a long time. I fear rejection but I am going to stare it down and hope for the best...

HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

Sincerely,
Harry

and that is it... :)

I love going to Church

Well, everything is looking up. Dramatically. I thinks that all i can say. other than i feel like im on top of the world and eeverything seemed so trivial before hand. I love my life. :)